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Musings

Too many things going on in the world that are draining and depressing.

  • The hate killings at the Pulse Night Club in Orlando.

  • The woman gun enthusiast in Texas who was into open carry and the mindset of "you will get my guns when you pry them out of my cold dead hands" who had an argument with her husband. To teach him a lesson she chased down and shot her young adult daughters dead in the street. One of them was wounded when she ran out of bullets so she went back into the house to reload, then returned to pump more into the girl.

  • The three bombers who killed over forty people and wounded hundreds more at the Ataturk Aiport in Istanbul.

  • Brexit. This one depresses me because the premise of Europe being unified in a financial trade union rather than killing one another is a good thing. I hope that if there is recession there that the region doesn't devolve into violence again.

  • The political campaigning leading up the the presidential election bringing out hate, bigotry, xenophobia, and other ugly sides to people.


  • My parents having finally made plans in December 2015 to travel to Ireland at long last booked a trip for June 2016. This is a trip they have talked about for years. Five years ago for their fiftieth wedding anniversary the siblings chipped in to give them $5K in order to make the trip.In the interim my father developed congestive heart failure necessitating in the need to acquire a portable oxygen generator. There was miscommunication with the vendor. Result is that the device wasn't scheduled to be delivered until after the date of the trip departure. Therefore, trip cancelled.


I am finding myself turning off the news more and more lately. My psyche can't take the reality that there are people out there who revel in violence and death.

Two weeks ago I experienced a fall due to pain from a back spasm causing me to blackout. The result of the fall is a dislocated jaw which is healing slowly. The impact of the fall and the blacking out for an hour on the floor gives me pause. Not sure what to do about it currently. I am realising that as I get older I am becoming at risk for injury that could kill me. Reason for this is due to living alone.
Fuck life

Moribund

Sake

Single

Moribund

Interesting word
The brain is in a dark place tonight. Haven't been here in awhile.

Not liking it.

Tried to find a house/condo to buy before lease was up and rent increases. Feeling trapped.

I am thinking a couple glasses of wine hasn't helped.

The Great House Hunt, Part 2

In the house/condo hunt I have continued to look. Did so today in fact. Still looking. The one of the three that was most promising and at a really great affordable price is 1300 sq ft town house with a huge loft master bedroom with no door and a small downstairs bedroom. Tiny kitchen. Enclosed small slab patio 4'x8' so no place to plant anything. Detached garage. Upgraded vinyl windows. Baby grand piano.

Very tempting, but it is right beside the freeway. I can't picture having an interchange as the view from the master bedroom. When the windows are closed it is silent. However, crack a window the slightest bit and all you hear is the roar of the vehicles on the freeway. I like sleeping with windows open. The sound would drive me nuts.

With the criteria I have set which extends to fifteen miles outside of Portland the list today came up at 44 properties. A scan through showed a third of them were bankruptcy, foreclosure/bank owned, short sales or auction. None of which are drama I want to be involved in. There were a few that were being "sold as is" with no repairs to be made by seller.

Decision time for me is coming soon as my lease is up for renewal on Saturday. Renew for another year at a $90/mo increase? Go month to month with a $70/mo premium attached to the rent increase?

What have I Done?!

Well, this is scary as all get out. I have $8K to my name. Put an offer today on a house which will take every dime I own in order to obtain the mortgage and pay all the fees. Going to have to get creative with finding things to sell to help come up with some liquidity.

This coming week will tell me if panicking is in order or not.

It is a house being sold by the bank as it was a reverse mortgage. Has some quirky features such as only two bedrooms. A third one was converted into the laundry room. It is awesome! Room to put a table to fold clothes. The living room and dining room is one large room, but separated by two pony walls.

There is a small kitchen with a bar into the dining area. However it does have a pantry.

The master bathroom has one of those funky bathtubs with a door for a disabled person to access it. The master bedroom is nice and large.

There is central air conditioning and a gas fireplace.

A two car garage. Hurray for a doorway wide enough to pull a car through without tearing the side mirrors off.

Small yard front and back. Easily maintainable by a single person without having to spend entire weekends on upkeep.

The drawback is the distance from work. The house is twenty miles away from work as opposed to the thirteen for the apartment I live in.

Gah, I hate living in a hot housing market. I need to make a change though. Rent has gone up $100-110 each year the last four years. I can't keep up with it. Having a fixed monthly expenditure will help.

Tags:

Pressing Matters

A bit disturbed about something. Yesterday I went to dinner with someone I haven't seen in ten years. Almost exactly ten years to the day at a funeral.

In this case my uncle. He is only a few years older than I am as he came pretty late in my grandparents life. Asked if I would like to get together while he was in town for a conference. I met him at the conference hotel in downtown. Off we went to walk around. Since he had never visited this city before I took him to a few of the areas it is known for within walking distance that have tourist cachet.

What disturbs me is that he crowded my personal space. He would walk so close to me that he was pressing his arm against me. At first I thought it was due to lack of space on the sidewalk. Experimented with moving to the side a number of times. He would immediately close in again. This happened everywhere we walked.

Maybe it is a good thing he lives a couple thousand miles away and I only see him every ten years or so.

Tags:

2015 Closing to an End

The year is coming to an end. With it are other things ending which bring me sadness. I realise that life is nothing but change, but man, when it happens there are times I wish it didn't.

I went for brunch for the final time at Mint Tea as they will close their doors after this weekend. It has been a place of laughter, wonderful food, and visiting with friends. I will miss it immensely during my forays into town. I know the owner is moving onto new things after she takes a break to center herself. I also know that I am destined to cross paths with her again. I look forward to seeing where and what she decides to do next for the community.

One of my bestest of friends is moving a couple hundred miles north to pursue his art further. I hope it doesn't mean I will never see him again. I am happy for him though as I know he will have greater exposure to many more clients for his unique talents. His metalwork needs to be seen by people. Fingers are crossed that his ultimate desire to work in Europe happens as a result.

My car continues to make intermittent mysterious noises. Today it began making a new one which leads me to believe there is something wrong in the front suspension. Turning the steering wheel as well as simply getting out of the vehicle is causing a binding creak if that makes any sense. Naturally the repair shop I would go to is closed today and tomorrow the weather service is forecasting storm of doom with warnings not to travel anywhere unless absolutely necessary.

Lottery, can I win now
I glance out the window at 5:35p in the Northern Hemisphere. It is pitch black outside. Does anyone else want to slit their wrists right about now or is it just me? Gah! I hate when it is dark early. Hate it with a passion.

My brain shuts down within an hour or so after the sunsets. I will be going to bed the next few months between 6:30p-7:00p. I have a very difficult time staying awake.

My body clock rhythm is wake with light, sleep when darkness falls. It already hates getting up at 5:00a in the dark. Now it will be dark/dark.
Hello depression my old nemesis. Not happy to be feeling your presence. Sleep of the dead to shut you out doesn't work. Nope. Slept eighteen hours yesterday/today. Really not good.

~sigh

I need a spark in my life. How to create it remains elusive.

Still unable to schedule mammogram with clinic that has my baseline. Going to contact another without saying a single word about pain or discomfort. Total bullshit.

Tags:

Fear of the Unknown

Fear of the unknown. In this case, the source of significant pain.

As a dutiful sheep I go every two years or so for a mammogram. When I haven't gone I receive postcards reminding me that I ought to. Who would have thought it would be difficult to actually schedule one when concerned about breast pain.

This morning I call to schedule a mammogram. Been there, done that. Except this time when the scheduler asks if there is any pain I answer "yes". Well, that changes everything. I cannot schedule an appointment without a referral from a doctor. Nevermind that the last three I have had I didn't need one. The reason given that that more tests will be conducted in addition to the mammogram.

Ok, fine.

Schedule a doctor appoint at a local care clinic with zoom in/zoom out services. (I love the facility and have been using it for four years). Anyway, doctor palpitates, but finds nothing out of the ordinary. Writes a referral due to my explaining I am in significant, unexplained pain.

Think ice pick being jammed into your body.

As soon as I walk out, I call the breast clinic to schedule a mammogram. Nope. Can't schedule. They need the doctor's order. I explain I have a hard copy of the order. How long will they remain open. Ok, another hour. I drive over.

It has now been seventeen minutes from the time I called to when I arrive. I hand over the copy. Nope. Can't schedule because it has to come directly from the doctor's office.

The receptionist calls the clinic. Theoretically an official copy will be received tomorrow. The scheduler should contact me.

All I know is that I am in serious pain that I want explained. I also know women who died from breast cancer as well as women who have survived it. I just hope that I don't have cancer.

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